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by Of_stars_and_moon



Series: Found my home [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: 5+1 Things, And there's a scene after that demon attack so, Angst, Canon Compliant, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It's like six missing scenes set in different books, M/M, Missing Scene, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26137786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_stars_and_moon/pseuds/Of_stars_and_moon
Summary: 'Without really thinking about it, he leaned his head against Ronan’s shoulder. He felt him stiffen and almost pulled back, but then Ronan relaxed and put his head on top of Adam’s and Adam heaved out a breath. Ronan removed his hand and before Adam could miss the contact, he shifted to wrap his arm around Adam and the ache in his chest subsided just a little. He didn’t remember the last time he had felt this safe and at home in someone’s arms.'(Five times Adam almost cries in front of Ronan, and one time he does)
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Series: Found my home [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899703
Comments: 36
Kudos: 257





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**Author's Note:**

> Look I love canon complaint missing scenes and I love hurt/comfort, so this happened  
> Tw: Implied/referenced child abuse

1

Adam didn’t remember the last time he had cried in front of anyone. He had learnt a long time ago not to do things that infuriated his father even further and crying was one of those things. His father said that it was too weak and girly, along with another hit. So Adam had learnt to bite back the sobs and only allowed the tears to fall in the safety of his small room, clasping a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound.

But today had been a bad day following a worse week, and Adam’s chest was heavy with tears, making every breath harder. He and Ronan were lying on the roof of Ronan’s BMW, staring up at the darkening sky. Gansey was in Washington for a fundraising campaign and Noah had been absent today.

Though they hadn’t pulled off greatly at first, he and Ronan had fallen into an easy friendship now. And now there was something about the calm dusk around them, and the fact that he would have to go back home soon that was making it harder to keep up his carefully built guard. And Ronan had brought up a sensitive subject.

“Sometimes I get jealous of Gansey,” he was saying in a quiet voice so unlike Ronan. “It’s so stupid and irrational, like I’m sure his life isn’t flawless either but he has this perfect family and at least he knows that they are always there.” He groaned and Adam could guess that he was probably chewing his leather bracelets. “Shit, you probably don’t want to hear this…Just Declan was a dick today,” he said in lieu of explanation.

“No, it’s okay. I get it.” Though Ronan had found out the reason behind his bruises, Adam still didn’t talk about it much, but these late night talks spurred him to share a little more of himself with the other boy. And Ronan almost never talked about his family, so it had to be upsetting him a lot if he brought it up. And Adam knew that this was something he couldn’t provide comfort in. But he could give understanding.

“I have many reasons to be jealous of Gansey obviously,” he told Ronan, “But his family is actually a big one. When I first found out that he lived apart from his family, I had thought he had problems with them too. It’s kinda funny actually, his parents care about him yet he can live away from them, while mine hate me, but I still can’t leave.”

Ronan inhaled a harsh breath and Adam glanced at him towards him to see that his expressions were regretful and apologetic. It wasn’t a look that Adam had seen on his face often and knowing that it was for him made something lodge in his throat.

“Fuck, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine,” Adam muttered.

“It’s not though.” There was a hint of anger in his voice now.

He stayed silent for some time before saying, “It doesn’t matter. It’s not like there’s anything we can do.”

“We can,” Ronan countered. “You can leave. We can help you leave.”

“Ronan, we’ve had this argument before,” Adam said exasperated, hating how weak his voice sounded. He couldn’t cry in front of Ronan. That would make Ronan realize how pathetic he was.

“Yeah, but I don’t see you doing anything about it.”

“It’s not that simple,” he replied, blinking hard. He didn’t want to have this conversation right now. “Anyway, I need to go. It’s getting late.” He got up and slid down from the roof, rubbing his eyes quickly before Ronan could suspect anything, and picked up his bike.

He heard Ronan curse and get down from the car as well before he came to stand in front of him. “Come on, I’ll drop you.”

“It’s okay. I can go on my own.”

“Don’t be stubborn, Parrish. It's late. And I was gonna go on a drive anyway."

“Alright,” Adam agreed with a sigh and after putting the bike in the trunk, got in the car.

They didn’t talk during the drive. 

2

Adam sat in the hospital ward, staring at his hands which were trembling as the night’s events replayed in his mind over and over, his father’s angry face, the paycheck in his hands, falling from the steps, and Ronan coming back for him.

Now, Ronan stood in front of him, sad eyes glancing to his left ear— he had been doing that since Adam told him that he couldn’t hear out of that ear anymore— and speaking in a voice uncharacteristically soft for him. “Do you want me to call Gansey?”

“No, I’ll just call him tomorrow. I don’t want to wake him up.”

“He’ll want to be here.”

Adam knew that, but he also knew that Gansey would ask questions, and Adam couldn’t comprehend enough to answer them yet. He had no idea what he was going to do now.

“Should I…should I call Blue then?” Ronan asked and there was a hint of something in his voice that Adam couldn’t catch. 

“No,” Adam said again. She didn’t know about any of this, and he didn’t know how to tell her. He couldn’t bear the thought of her pitying him. God he was so tired.

“Okay,” Ronan said, voice patient, contrary to what Adam would have expected. Some part of him had thought Ronan would be annoyed or frustrated. He almost lost Monmouth because of Adam today, and now he had to be here at the hospital with him. Adam really only brought trouble and problems for others.

Then, surprising Adam even more, Ronan said, “Do you need anything?”

Adam frowned at him. “What?”

Ronan leaned forward, bringing up a hand slowly to cup Adam’s jaw. “You look…lost. Are you sure you’re not concussed or something? Should I call a nurse back?”

Adam knew Ronan cared about a few things in his life, and over the course of their friendship he had come to admit that Ronan cared about him too, no matter how shocking and unbelievable it was. But still, being cared for left him feeling untethered and since his emotions were already a turmoil, Ronan’s protectiveness was enough to make a lump form in his throat. He wanted to tell Ronan to stop this because Adam wasn’t worth it. He wanted him to stop this because what if Adam got used to this and then Ronan realized that Adam didn’t deserve this. He wanted to thank Ronan for saving him today, for being there on quiet evenings and calming Adam with his presence, for taking Adam to do crazy stuff and making him laugh when he felt like he would never feel joy again. He wanted to break down the walls and allow himself to cry in front of Ronan.

But he couldn’t do any of these. So instead, he shook his head, wincing immediately at the pain throbbing in his head, and said, “No, it’s fine. I just need some rest, I guess.” He hoped that Ronan would assume that the roughness in his voice was due to fatigue. 

Ronan looked unconvinced, but he probably saw something in Adam’s expressions as he nodded and took a step back. “Okay, then you should go to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Adam laid down carefully and closed his eyes. He was so exhausted that he instantly felt drowsy and only had a moment to think about the hand brushing away his hair gently before sleep took him.

3

Adam didn’t know how long it took Ronan to notice that something was off between him and Blue or how he noticed that; they were trying to keep things normal between them. But one night, as they were sitting on the mattress in Adam’s room, Adam working on the Latin homework and Ronan helping occasionally, Ronan brought it up, asking, “What’s up with you and Sargent?”

“We broke up- I mean I’m not sure if we were even properly dating, but we aren’t together anymore,” Adam answered. 

Ronan didn’t show any reaction except for slight raise of his eyebrows. “Why?” he asked after a while, expressions indecipherable.

Adam gave a weak shrug. “She doesn’t love me and…and it wouldn’t work.”

Ronan averted his gaze to the floor and hesitated before asking, “Did…Did you love her?”

“I don’t really know,” Adam admitted quietly. “I’m not even sure what love is-” Ronan winced slightly at that, but Adam continued, “I don’t know if I really loved her or was it just because she was the first person who seemed to want to be with me. I don’t know…I did like her a lot, and it’s understandable that she doesn’t love me, but I wish it didn’t hurt so much.”

“Wait- what do you mean ‘it’s understandable’?” Ronan questioned, frowning like he couldn’t comprehend why Adam would say this.

Adam gave another shrug, bringing his knees up to his chest. “Just…I know I’m hard to love.”

Ronan opened his mouth to say something but Adam continued, “Because there had to be something I did that made my father hate me, and I had learnt to live with that.” His voice broke and he cleared his throat before saying, “So, of course, Blue couldn’t love me either, but it’s still hard.” He closed his eyes briefly as he felt the prickling of tears. Fuck, he hated this.

Ronan shook his head. “Listen to me, Parrish. What your father did was not your fault. None of it was. He is an asshole who deserves to rot in jail. And I don’t know what goes on in Sargent’s mind, but she’s stupid.”

Adam’s surprise might have shown on his face because Ronan shook his head again, saying, “Look, I don’t know how this love bullshit works, but you seemed to make her happy. Even if she doesn’t love you in the true love and shit sort of way, I’m sure she still loves you. She is still your friend. And don’t let Gansey or Noah hear you saying that stupid shit about being unlovable. Gansey will write speeches about how much he loves you and Noah will be appalled that he didn’t shower you in enough love for it to be obvious to your dumb brain. And I’m pretty sure Helen has a crush on you.”

“She does not,” Adam said hoarsely, finally finding his voice. Ronan continued to surprise him by showing a different side of him and Adam would have never thought that he would believe someone saying these things, but that was the thing with Ronan, he didn’t lie and he had a way of saying things with certainty.

“Come on, I thought you were supposed to be smart,” Ronan replied, shoving him lightly. “Anyway, what I’m saying is that people do love you, don’t pull that bullshit.”

“And you?” Adam asked, because he still didn’t know how to reply to everything Ronan had said.

Ronan went absolutely still for a brief moment, before he smirked and said, “You’re tolerable, I guess. Sometimes a little fun too.”

Adam let out a small laugh and shoved Ronan. “Asshole.”

4

Adam was brought out of the world of trees and rain as he woke up due to the sound of footsteps outside the door. He sat up and for a terrifying second, he thought that his father had come back, but then Ronan’s worried voice came in through the door. “Adam? Are you here?”

Adam took a harsh breath, willing his heart to calm down, and got up to open the door.

Ronan stood on the other side, panting like he had run here. “I saw…your father’s truck leaving,” he began, and Adam noticed the pause at mentioning his father. Ronan always did that like he didn’t want to call him that. “Fuck, I thought you wouldn’t be here, or you would…” he drifted off but Adam understood what he meant. “Are you okay?” he asked, eyes flickering over Adam’s face probably looking for any signs of injuries.

Adam wasn’t sure if he should be as stunned by it as he was. Ronan had been angry with him and he was probably on his way to the Barns to finish the work— thinking about it made Adam's stomach churn— But he came back because he was worried about Adam. Adam still wasn’t used to people caring if he got hurt. All his life, people had ignored it or gave him sympathetic looks. Ronan was one of the few people who cared, and the first one who had done something. Adam’s heart was filled with a warmth that felt like gratitude and acceptance and the emotions crawled up his throat, threatening to escape through his eyes. 

“I am okay,” he mumbled, pushing it away. This was absurd. He felt like crying because Ronan was worried about him. What was wrong with him?

“Why was he here?” Ronan asked, voice hard in the way it usually was when they talked about his Adam’s father. 

“He wanted to talk about the court case,” Adam replied simply, rubbing his eyes.

Ronan seemed like he wanted to say something but then changed his mind, shaking his head slightly. “Come to Monmouth today,” he said instead.

“I…I can’t,” Adam replied, though a part of him didn’t want to be here alone tonight.

“Why not? He could-” Ronan ran a hand over his buzzed hair. “Alright just…don’t stay here right now. Come to the Barns with me and on the way you can decide if we’ll go to Monmouth or come back here.”

The ‘we’ settled something inside Adam. He was so used to being lonely that he forgot he didn’t have to be alone all the time. Ronan usually spent nights here. He could stay tonight too or they could go to Monmouth. Ronan had left it up to Adam, and something inside him told him that he would be choosing the latter.

“Okay,” he agreed, swallowing hard, and Ronan’s shoulders slumped in relief.

5

“I don’t want to talk,” Adam said, sitting on the front steps, hands clenched in fists.

“The fuck would I talk about?” Ronan replied and they lapsed in silence.

Adam stared down at his fists, hating how his breath kept getting caught in his chest. The last time he had lost someone he cared about, he was eight and his grandmother had died. She was a kind woman and always spoke to him gently. He had cried for days after hearing about her death. He hadn’t thought anyone else’s death would affect him so much now. But he had started to really admire Persephone. She was one of the few people who believed in him and didn’t think he was worthless. But now she was gone and Adam couldn’t save her. Adam was used to being sad, and he was also used to pain. But this…grief felt like his chest was compressing on his lungs and his heart was being ripped open. He forced himself to take in a long breath.

“I tried to find her,” he whispered, breaking the silence, and for a moment, he thought Ronan would comment that he didn’t want to talk, but as the other boy stayed silent, Adam continued, “But I was too late and she was already…” he broke off and bit his lower lip hard.

“Adam,” Ronan said softly and before Adam could think more about the fact that he had called him by his first name, Ronan put a hand on his and slowly unclenched his fingers. Adam blinked against his blurry vision to see that there were bloody crescent marks on his palm bitten by his nails. Realizing this, he unclenched his other hand too.

“She wouldn’t want you to be hurting like this. She probably already knew this was going to happen. You can’t blame yourself or spend all your time wondering what would have happened if you would have been there in time.” His hand was still on Adam’s and he was gently stroking his thumb over his palm. It was oddly grounding. “And I know it seems like false hope now, but it does get easier with time.”

Adam sniffled, hoping Ronan didn’t notice it and asked, “It does?”

“Yeah.”

Ronan’s words gave him a little hope. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for Ronan to lose his father, but if he made it through, surely Adam could too. Without really thinking about it, he leaned his head against Ronan’s shoulder. He felt him stiffen and almost pulled back, but then Ronan relaxed and put his head on top of Adam’s and Adam heaved out a breath. Ronan removed his hand and before Adam could miss the contact, he shifted to wrap his arm around Adam and the ache in his chest subsided just a little. He didn’t remember the last time he had felt this safe and at home in someone’s arms.

It was a startling realization. Words like safe, home and family held complicated meanings for Adam. And when he first met Ronan, he wouldn’t have thought of Ronan and safe in the same sentence. But overtime that had changed and before he knew it, he had started seeing Ronan as…not family exactly, he still didn’t comprehend that completely, but there was a sense of belonging in being around Ronan.

For once, he didn’t want to analyze and pick apart this feeling and just let it be, humming in his chest and growing steadily.

+1

I almost killed him, Adam thought as his head rested on Ronan’s shoulder, the only thing holding him up. His whole body was trembling and he could distinctly feel pain slicing up his arms and on his face, but all he could think about was losing control and trying to kill the boy he loved. He always knew he ruined things, anything his hands touched was destroyed, he was cursed like that, but he couldn’t lose the only people he had. Tears welled up in his eyes as he thought about Ronan being so close to death and because of his own hands, and for once he couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard he screwed his eyes shut. They escaped, falling down on Ronan’s shoulder. The other boy must have sensed that or the hitch to Adam’s breaths, as he pulled back and moved his hands to cradle Adam’s face.

“Hey,” he whispered, face pained, as he gently wiped away the tears with his thumbs. “It’s going to be okay.”

Adam’s gaze drifted down to the rings of bruises on Ronan’s neck and that only made him hate himself more. He bit down hard on his lip to stop the sobs and managed a broken, “I’m sorry.”

Ronan shushed him and leaned his forehead against Adam’s. “It’s not your fault, okay? It wasn’t you.”

“I hurt you,” Adam rasped. One of his biggest fears was becoming like he was father, of losing his temper and hurting someone. This wasn’t the same, but he still hurt the people he loved. What was to say it wouldn’t happen again? He was corrupted. The demon could sense the violence ingrained in him and that was all it needed to destroy everyone around him.

“No, you didn’t,” Ronan replied firmly. “It was the demon. You wouldn’t hurt me.”

Adam wanted to ask him why he didn’t fight back. That made it worse. Adam would have killed him and Ronan wouldn’t have fought back. But his throat was too choked up to speak. He took a shuddering breath that ended in a broken sob.

“Adam, it’s going to be okay. Breathe,” Ronan said, gently moving Adam’s head back to his shoulder. Adam shut his eyes and buried his face in the crook of Ronan’s neck, trying to match his ragged breathing to Ronan’s even ones.

Ronan pressed his lips to his good ear and whispered, "I’ve got you.”

That would have felt like false hope from anyone else, but from Ronan it felt like a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it! Kudos and comments make my day <3  
> Edit: This work is now a part of a series and the next work in this is going to be from Ronan's pov :)  
> You can find me on Tumblr [ "here"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


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